“What do you do if your boyfriend or girlfriend ditches you at Homecoming?”

– Lost on the Homecoming Train

Archer: Dear Lost on the Homecoming Train, find a new date. Obviously you don’t need that loser. If you’re up for it, you can dance all over your new boyfriend right in front of your old boyfriend to show them just how great of a dancer you are. But if you’re the guy and you get ditched, just go around and dance with anything that moves. A person is a person, you aren’t going to be able to tell the difference anyway since it’s dark. Not to mention, you probably paid for your girlfriend’s dinner earlier that night. She ditched you so you have every right to dance with everyone and anyone.

Argyle: Just walk through the crowd obnoxiously yelling your date’s name like it’s an emergency. Act like there is serious trouble, but don’t lose your cool. If that doesn’t work, challenge the best dancer in the school to a dance battle and defeat him to prove you are truly worthy of your date. If you suspect she’s hiding in the bathroom, the best way to find out is to come prepared. At the beginning of the night, wear a homecoming dress beneath your shirt and tie. Then if you need to look for her in the girls bathroom, no one will ask questions. Just don’t ask anyone where the urinals are.

Archer: Slip the D. J. a hundo and jump up on stage and start singing her favorite song. Important side note, if you don’t know her favorite song, just sing anything by Ed Sheeran. Much like the peacock, it is important you look your best during homecoming. So bring as many glow sticks and glow necklaces as possible. Swing them around while blowing obnoxiously loud into a whistle. I promise you she will find you, and she will love you. Not only do you need to look your best, but you need to smell your best too. Don’t forget to wear the mandatory 100 pounds of some cheap cologne. People should have asthma attacks around you that’s how strong it should be.

Argyle: Never forget the golden rule. It’s never not okay to make it rain. If you’re really desperate, just make sure you bring a bunch of monopoly money from home and make it rain in the center of the dance fest. Then use the chaos to highjack the D.J.’s mic to give a heartfelt speech about how much you love your date, and remember it always helps to cry. Women love emotional men. Much like at the end of Back to The Future, dances can be very complicated. If someone tries to “cut in” when you’re in the middle of dancing with your date, don’t be a wuss about it. Start fake speaking another language really loudly so the other person thinks you’re crazy and doesn’t bother you.

“I’m thinking about dropping out of school. Is this a valid decision?”

-Underachiever for the Win

Argyle: Dear Underachiever for the Win, no this is a terrible decision. School gives you lunch. If you drop out, where are you going to get your food from? On top of that, where are you going to get all of your medical attention? Isn’t the school nurse the only one in the world who can heal the sick? How lucky are we that she is ignoring ebola just to stay here and take care of us. School isn’t really that hard anyway. All you really have to do to succeed is beg your math teacher to curve your grade or give extra credit and they eventually will because your grades affect them now. Plus, this is public school; it’s free, and nothing is free anymore.

Archer: At school, you don’t even have to think for yourself. All you have to do is follow every trend someone else starts and do whatever it is a teacher tells you to do and nothing can ever become confrontational. In the real world, your life is based on confrontation. You’re either being fired, mugged, or being told by a waitress at Denny’s they can find your severed finger in the lemonade machine. But at school, all you have to do is drop 150 dollars on some beats by Dre and you’re cool for eight months. If I’ve learned anything from cats, it’s that I’d rather be an indoor cat than an outdoor cat.

Argyle: Things like debt, divorce, and abundant vomiting don’t start happening to you until you’re well out of high school. Why would anyone want to speed up the process of getting there? If you’re wanting to quit because you can’t afford to go to college and don’t see a point in sticking with what you’re doing now then just do what every successful genius has always done and start stealing ideas from the smart people around you. Thomas Edison had Nikola Tesla, Bill Gates had Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg had the WinkleVoss Twins. All you need is for that weird kid, who sits in the back of the classroom petting an invisible cat, to find the cure for cancer and not care if you patent it for him.

Archer: Did Michael Jordan quit when he didn’t make the team his freshman year? No he didn’t. Did Michael Jackson quit after he spent too much time with children? No he didn’t. Did Rihanna quit after she got beat by Chris Brown? No she didn’t. Even Kanye West didn’t quit after being a huge jerk to Taylor Swift at the Grammys. To this day, he’s still just as big a jerk if not bigger. Do yourself a favor, students of the world, stay in school and be like Kanye West.

“I’m about to take my driving test and I’m really nervous. What can I do to calm myself down?”

– What’s a Turn Signal?

Argyle: Dear What’s a Turn Signal, the first thing you should do is go to your local lake or pond and practice driving a boat. Nothing bad ever happens in boats so it’s a great way to practice for your test. Then, after you master the boat, go to your local airport and start flying a plane. Plane crashes hardly ever happen, so it’s a very safe way to practice driving etiquette. After you’ve done some barrel rolls and mastered some engine stalls, go on home, pull up youtube and watch ten hours of the worst car accidents of all time. I know this might seem counter-productive but trust me; after you see some of those people’s driving skills, you’ll feel very confident in your own.

Archer: Make sure you practice driving with the most stressed out person you know. If your mom and dad seem calm and level headed then practice with your crazy uncle who makes candles out of his own ear wax. When he’s holding on for dear life and screaming at you with all of his might, you’ll learn exactly what you need to not kill anyone. It might also be a good idea to buy a taser or some kind of pepper spray for your glove compartment because you have no idea who the test conductor will be. He or she might be a weirdo and it’s always good to be prepared.

Argyle: During the test, rage as much as possible. Because the instructor is looking for your real driving habits, it sometimes helps to grade your instructor, so pay attention to what they do and don’t be afraid to offer criticism; they’re adults, they can take it. If you see them holding their pen incorrectly or if they cough and don’t cover their mouth, make sure you call them out on it and are as truthful as possible. “Dude, did you just cough and not cover your mouth? That’s disgusting, you should be fired. Do you have kids? You do? Well they should be taken away from you and put in foster care because wow that was gross.” That is an example of how you should talk to the person who administers your test.

Archer: If you’re really that nervous about the test, then just tell them right off the bat. Most are just normal people that like to play God with the small amount of life they have an effect on. Be honest with them about why you’re sweating and screaming uncontrollably after every turn. You’re a human being and you have rights, and one of the most important rights is the right to a speedy public trial. Keep that in mind after you get your score because you can sue people. If you take your test and you fail, who cares? You can take it again the next day if you really want to. Spongebob has failed his driving test infinite times and he still keeps trying. So, just know that no matter how good or bad of a driver you are, you can’t be worse than Spongebob.

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