Does Anyone Care about SPAM?

Because it’s the solution…


Enzo Libertini, Entertainment Editor

Spam in the present day is typically synonymous with un-wanted internet build-up. It has become a negative term dealing with a negative subject that is found annoying by most who deal with it. This isn’t the kind of spam I want to talk about. In fact, it is this spam that gives the real SPAM a bad name. The spam I’m referring to is, of course, the canned ham substance that has been on the shelves of our supermarkets for decades. While many people find this spiced ham unedible, I believe it held the key to America’s greatest combative victory.

In 1937, Hormel Foods released the first incarnation of modern spam. Canning foods had just begun to be explored, and the idea that you could keep meat fresh for years by canning it was revolutionary. Years later, because of its portability and long-life cycle, it was the perfect food for our soldiers overseas fighting in World War II. Fighters in the South Pacific ate a lot of SPAM throughout the war, and it eventually caught on with the locals. In war, you can perish in a lot of ways. Many soldiers died of natural causes. Sometimes the difference between life and death was whether or not you had something to eat. SPAM provided our soldiers with that something; it and its companions of canned food kept fuel in their stomachs and helped them fight on. We owe our freedom to SPAM because without it, who knows what might have happened? How many of our fine soldiers would have starved without this mystery meat from the heavens? SPAM may have, in fact, been the difference between winning the war and losing it.

Today, we have lost faith in SPAM. So many people dismiss it as artificial, un-healthy, or gross. A lot of its critics have never even tried it, never even given it a chance. Is that fair? There is something overly American about SPAM. It represents the characteristics of our philosophy. It is a long lasting collection of several different things that together might not be the most attractive, but get the job done. SPAM has always been there for us, but we seem to never be there for SPAM.

We owe it to this food to give it a try. Think about it, the most non-mainstream thing you can do right now is eat SPAM. If you’re a good cook, try doing the impossible and make something delicious out of it. Let’s bring SPAM back. Remember how cool those kids were in elementary school who always brought in different foods for lunch? That could be you. Plus, we’ve already become accustomed to the school lunches. There is no way SPAM could be worse than any of those. It’s time for a paradigm shift people. Let’s do something collectively different. Who cares about democracy or other real issues like excessive terrorism? The biggest threat to the American Dream is the lack of SPAM consumption.

SPAM is a poor man’s food. It would provide us all with perspective. All we hear from our parents today is how easy our life is, and how nothing is as simple as it used to be. Let’s show them, and take ourselves back to simpler times. Let’s all live off SPAM for a while and prove how legit we are. We could also use SPAM for charitable reasons. SPAM isn’t overly expensive and homeless people aren’t that picky, so let’s flood the streets of inner cities with cans of SPAM and save the world.

SPAM is a legend, it’s a right of passage, and it’s a hero. We have to raise awareness about its existence and let the world know that it’s okay to eat SPAM. If everyone ate SPAM, the world would be a little bit stranger, but in a good way. We always look for the best solution, never the weird solution. It’s time for a weird solution, and that solution is SPAM. SPAM is a metaphor for anyone who has ever felt underrated. If that’s you, do yourself a favor and deal with it by eating excessive amounts of SPAM. Everything is SPAM.