Argyle and Archer’s Haphazard Advice

Part 3

Argyle and Archer's Haphazard Advice

“Is it alright to dress skimpy for Halloween?”

– Concerned Party Animal

Archer: Dear Concerned Party Animal, Totally. If you’re looking for a night full of surprises and strange men, find the most revealing costume you can. Make sure you go to the darkest allies and sketchiest neighborhoods you can find. If you have to glue things to yourself, make sure they’re secure. Nothing is more embarrassing than having your costume malfunction in the middle of a group of 12 and 13 year old trick-or-treaters.

Argyle: Halloween stores have a revealing version of pretty much every single costume. If you’re going for an R rated look, then couple it with a child friendly theme. For instance, don’t go as a skimpy vampire because little kids are scared of vampires. Instead, goes as a skimpy Phineas from Phineas and Ferb. This way, kids won’t be afraid of you. Not only will kids not be afraid of you, but potential threats for the night are going to steer clear of you due to your age-confusing costume.

Archer: Actually, you probably shouldn’t wear something skimpy. What are you going to do when you get cold? No stranger is going to want to risk giving you his jacket; he doesn’t want to be wrongfully charged of consorting with a minor. Not to mention, is your significant other going to appreciate you flaunting your body all over town? Also, if you’re one of those people who get offended easily, skimpy costumes are a definite no for you. If you get offended by guys hitting on you and being vulgar, stay away from all skimpy costumes.

Argyle: If you’re going to buy a skimpy costume, you have to go all out. You can’t just show a minimal amount of skin, you have to show as much skin as you can. What kind of vibe are you going to give off if you buy a revealing costume but then you cover up the parts of your body that are supposed to be revealed? A weak vibe. Buying the skimpy costume then covering up also shows a lack of commitment. I don’t know about all other guys, but I don’t want to be stuck dating a girl who can’t commit to a relationship.

“I went to a haunted house with this girl I like and I peed my pants in the first ten minutes. Now she won’t talk to me. What do I do?”

-Scared for no Reason

Argyle: Dear Scared for no Reason, some haunted houses are tame, but others can get pretty extreme. That’s why whenever you take a girl to one, make sure it’s one you can handle. Next time, I would recommend investing in some Depends. Sure, they’re adult diapers and they are kind of embarrassing to wear, but if you’re careful, she’ll never know you’re wearing any. If you can’t afford diapers, wear six pairs of underwear.  Another good solution would be something like a catheter hooked up to a pouch or some kind of bottle. This way, if you pee you won’t get it all over yourself and your date. Remember: if you pee your pants and no one knows, then you have effectively not peed your pants.

Archer: If worse comes to worse, try to make her pee her pants too. That way you guys are even and she has no source of blackmail on you. One of the best things in a relationship is when you and your girlfriend are even on everything. Plus, she really has no right to be grossed out because this is a normal bodily function. At one time in everyone’s lives, they’ve peed the bed too. Sure, you’re 16 and they were only like 4, but still.

Argyle: Now that you’ve already peed, all you can really do is try to win her back by making it seem like a joke. Wait until winter, wait until her drive way is covered in snow, then pee your apology into the snow. Bring some friends or lots of water with you if you need help. Make sure it’s above freezing that day for obvious reasons. There is no spell check when peeing on a drive way, so you should probably write it out on paper beforehand to be sure you’ve got it right. Do this along with some epic Ed Sheeran music in the background and I promise you she will love you more than that one girl loved Leo DiCaprio in Titanic. 

Archer: Have you ever tried holding in your pee? In your free time, do some kidney exercises to strengthen your ability to hold in your urine. At least you didn’t you know, go out the back. I mean, nothing in the world could fix that. You can’t poop an apology in a drive way. If that’s what your life is about though, going out back, then there’s a small chance that you didn’t have a shot with this girl anyway. Don’t worry though, what you have done is redeemable so don’t get down on yourself. I’m sure Nicholas Cage has peed himself at least once. Stay strong and don’t worry. If she really likes you, she won’t care that you peed.

“In “The Walking Dead”, they recently featured a group of cannibals. I have always wanted to try new things, and this has peaked my interest. Should I become a cannibal?”

-Gluten-Free with the Munchies

Argyle: Dear Gluten-Free with the Munchies, I would say yeah, that makes sense. Humans would have all of the nutrients you would need to survive so why not? We’re always so quick to judge now a days that we never step aside and just think, “why not?” Why shouldn’t you be allowed to eat people if that’s your dream? I’m sure people laughed at George Forman when he invented all those weird grills, but now he’s famous for it. You could be America’s favorite cannibal. Now that I think about it, you could probably cook all of your human meat on a George Forman Grill. I’m glad that we live in a country where that can happen.

Archer: I don’t see a problem with it. I mean, if the Ebola zombie outbreak is a legit thing, then won’t we all be zombies eventually? What do zombies eat? Human meat. You’d blend right in. Also, if you’re one of the first citizens to start eating humans, you could technically be considered a hipster. Let’s face it, everyone strives to be a hipster in their life at one point or another. Sure your form of hipster would be a little different, but isn’t that what being a hipster is all about? You’d probably be just as famous as the first guy to walk on the moon.

Argyle: Let’s face it, everyone in society is impacted by TV shows in some way. All you really have to do is show people that episode of “The Walking Dead”, what a cannibal is, and what they’re all about. If you do this, I promise you that everyone will accept your previously insane views. We live in a free country, don’t we? Even if people don’t agree with you, so what? Make them the first people you eat. By eating them, you’ll be proving your dominance over everyone who ever disagreed with you. After that, everyone will eventually agree with you and then America can be the true powerhouse of the world.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, COMMENT THEM. YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE YOU COULD EVER GET.