I’m having trouble paying attention as it’s getting closer and closer to summer. Is there any way I can better my focus?

– Literally Everyone

Archer: It’s statistically proven that taking a 20-minute nap improves your attention span and memory. When you can, take as many naps in class as you can, striving to make them 20 minutes. You will remember everything you have already been taught that day and when you wake up, you will be able to pay attention to literally anything your teacher tells you. Who doesn’t love a good nap?

Argyle: Whenever I can’t focus I usually just consume more caffeine. If you’re having trouble paying attention and the opportunity to nap doesn’t present itself, just down a few dozen five hour energies and ignore the owls you’ll inevitably see flying around the room because they are more than likely just a hallucination brought on by a lack of sleep and too much sugar. To succeed in school, sometimes you have to make compromises. One thing you should never compromise is an opportunity to learn. That being said, ignore the owls and get back to work.

As a senior, I’m not quite ready to leave high school yet. How can I make senior year last forever?

– Unprepared Senior

Archer: This is a simple fix really, just never ever leave. Go to college sure, but always make sure you come back whenever you can and pop in on all your old extra-curricular activities. If you were in marching band, just come back over the summer and continue your old role as a section leader. If you were on the football team, just get back out on the field and start kicking field goals. The fact that you were a wide receiver is irrelevant; only kick field goals, that’s all you get to do. High school is the only time that matters so don’t let it end, keep weaseling your way back in until you literally work here.

Argyle: With all of the construction surrounding our school there is a lot of confusion. You can use this to your advantage and start living in the unfinished hallways of the new school. After graduation just wait for your chance and when no one is looking just walk into the new building and find a place to make your home. By doing this, you not only ensure you’ll be a part of Northmont over the summer, but rather that you’ll be with it for years to come. Just make sure you bring a hose or something so you can clean yourself.

College is very expensive. Is it really worth paying that much to go live on campus?

– Sheltered and Place

Archer: College is not worth it. High school is what really prepares you for adult life, not college like they say. Besides, going to college and spending a ton of money is just you paying for a piece of paper saying you can do something. If you can already do it, why pay to learn how to do it better? After all, experience is the real teacher, not school. For example, if you want to become a teacher, just go to a school and start teaching a class. Who says you need to go to college to learn how to teach?

Argyle: I disagree with this, college is absolutely worth it. The real world is terrifying. Why would anyone in their right mind want to live there? I’m sorry, but if I could pay a place 100,000 dollars to let me put off living like an adult I’d do it. That’s what college really is. It’s not an intellectual playground where brilliant professors mold the minds of tomorrow’s leaders. In reality, it is just a giant daycare where graphic design majors hide from their future. So go to college. It’s easy, and it keeps you from being homeless for a while. That is, until your student loan debt catches up with you.